Ever since I was a little girl I had this deep yearning to help people and be the best version of myself I could be. I believed in treating everyone with the same amount of respect and kindness and that everyone deserved my 100% because I believed in the good of humanity.
I know it sounds extremely naive of me but It was how I viewed the world and how much love I had to see past the physical beauty of the world.
As we grow up and continue to develop our perspectives change and we mold our personalities and how we view the world according to our experiences.
Not me though, see I had this conviction that I could give every single person that came into my life my 100% but every time I did and they completely walked all over me I would beat myself up and blame myself for things that were out of my control.
I treated everyone the way I wished one day someone would treat me but never expecting anything back just hoping one day I could find someone who shared the same views as me or at least believed in giving everyone the best of them.
Most of my friendships never lasted and at some point, I began to close myself off to people and friendships because at that point I had given my 100% to all the wrong people only to beat myself up when I couldn’t give my best to the new people coming into my life.
I wanted to have a friend so badly and until recently I was still beating myself up for not having someone who I consider to be a real friend. I was so fixated on finding a real friend that I began to feel this massive sadness because despite knowing so many people I could never point at one single person who I felt like they were the person who would be by my side no matter what.
I gave the most beautiful parts of me to the wrong people and when I finally found the strength to say no more is when they realized who I was. It’s the most mind-blowing thing that people don’t know what they have until they lose it and I’ve learned that in my own way.
Life is so crazy. People come and go, some stay for a while, and others stay for a split second. Some you impact, and others leave an impact on you. I am not writing today to talk about how I’m such an amazing friend or person but to share my thoughts of self-worth and how much I’ve grown over the years.
This blog although I don’t post every day is my safe haven where I can share the words that so freely flow through my head and feel in my heart.
Where I can go and talk to when no one else listens to me. When I can’t find consolation anywhere else. A place where I can have a voice and be heard even if no one reads it. A place where this once blank infinite page is quiet and ready to listen to all I have to say.
He doesn’t interrupt, he doesn’t judge, he doesn’t give me his opinion. He just listens. Every time my pen touches a piece of paper I become one with it and I go into a beautiful trans where my energy, mind, and heart are perfectly aligned. The most peaceful place on earth. I can go on for hours and completely lose the concept of time because in that very moment time just freezes almost to the point of it being non-existent.
I’ve learned so many things in the last few years, I’ve learned so much in the past few months, and I’ve learned even more in the past week.
Sometimes your world has to be shaken to the ground and shattered for you to rebuild yourself and truly become the highest version of yourself. Sometimes you need to just feel all the shitty-ness and all the bad.
Sometimes you just need to get away and leave everyone and everything. Sometimes you just need to run away and go sleep in a park. But running away from your emotions will never get you anywhere in life because you will not be able to start the process of YOUR metamorphosis. The process of learning to love yourself for who you truly are and for forgiving yourself and all those who hurt you. to get rid of the baggage you have carried with you all those years.
Embarking on this journey of self-discovery and self-love was the hardest thing I have had to do. It’s been a while now and some days I still feel down and others seem better than others but I know things get better and sometimes pain is necessary to move up.
To leave behind those that offer nothing more to you anymore because their time and purpose were completed already. But letting go is so hard, it is so fucking hard and we choose to stay because we are familiar with it and we are comfortable and we feel safe.
We hold ourselves back for a simple “what if” what if I can’t find someone like them anymore. What if this or what if that. I’ve placed so many people before myself for so long that I felt like I was left drained, weak, and to die out in the sun (I know it sounds dramatic but I felt that way.) Not knowing that all that time I had the power to stop all of that pain by simply letting go.
I’m 24 now and I see the world so much differently. I don’t trust as easily anymore and I don’t consider the same people my friends anymore. Everything changes and that’s okay. I constantly find myself having to give myself reaffirmation about how change can be good and is not always bad. I have this constant fear that change is bad and that it will bring nothing good into my life and I realized that the reason I have been so stagnant in my life is that I haven’t given myself any room to grow and to spread my roots deep within the ground.
So, now I am starting to remove all these stones that are taking up all the space I need in order to grow. Some of those stones hurt to even think about or try to get rid of but nothing in life is easy and I’m kinda happy it isn’t because if it wasn’t I would never be able to feel this and understand what self is. I acknowledge now how important self-love and self-worth because if you don’t you will continue to attract the same things in your life that bring you nothing but sadness and I’m tired of the feeling of feeling like I’m not enough only because I attract people for the way I view myself ,and for that to change I have to learn to love myself with that 100% I gave to everyone else but the most important person which was myself.
This is my epiphany so far in 2021 and I thank whichever higher beings or the universe itself for allowing these obstacles in my life so that I could shake myself from all the bullshit that holds me back and makes way for my cocooning phase and ultimately when I emerge. I’ve been a caterpillar for far too long and now it’s time to form my wings.
If you read this and you can relate I’m happy. The point of this blog is to be as transparent about my emotions as possible. We are human beings and we feel things but since we don’t tell everyone our issues we believe we are the only ones going through these things and it brings me a little hope knowing I’m not the only one. To show you guys when I’ve been down in the gutter and how much I’ve progressed since then. There is always light at the end of the tunnel loves.
From a caterpillar to a cocoon.