Metamorphosis

Ever since I was a little girl I had this deep yearning to help people and be the best version of myself I could be. I believed in treating everyone with the same amount of respect and kindness and that everyone deserved my 100% because I believed in the good of humanity.

I know it sounds extremely naive of me but It was how I viewed the world and how much love I had to see past the physical beauty of the world.

As we grow up and continue to develop our perspectives change and we mold our personalities and how we view the world according to our experiences. 

Not me though, see I had this conviction that I could give every single person that came into my life my 100% but every time I did and they completely walked all over me I would beat myself up and blame myself for things that were out of my control.

I treated everyone the way I wished one day someone would treat me but never expecting anything back just hoping one day I could find someone who shared the same views as me or at least believed in giving everyone the best of them.

Most of my friendships never lasted and at some point, I began to close myself off to people and friendships because at that point I had given my 100% to all the wrong people only to beat myself up when I couldn’t give my best to the new people coming into my life.

I wanted to have a friend so badly and until recently I was still beating myself up for not having someone who I consider to be a real friend. I was so fixated on finding a real friend that I began to feel this massive sadness because despite knowing so many people I could never point at one single person who I felt like they were the person who would be by my side no matter what.

I gave the most beautiful parts of me to the wrong people and when I finally found the strength to say no more is when they realized who I was. It’s the most mind-blowing thing that people don’t know what they have until they lose it and I’ve learned that in my own way.

Life is so crazy. People come and go, some stay for a while, and others stay for a split second. Some you impact, and others leave an impact on you. I am not writing today to talk about how I’m such an amazing friend or person but to share my thoughts of self-worth and how much I’ve grown over the years. 

This blog although I don’t post every day is my safe haven where I can share the words that so freely flow through my head and feel in my heart.

Where I can go and talk to when no one else listens to me. When I can’t find consolation anywhere else. A place where I can have a voice and be heard even if no one reads it. A place where this once blank infinite page is quiet and ready to listen to all I have to say. 

He doesn’t interrupt, he doesn’t judge, he doesn’t give me his opinion. He just listens. Every time my pen touches a piece of paper I become one with it and I go into a beautiful trans where my energy, mind, and heart are perfectly aligned. The most peaceful place on earth. I can go on for hours and completely lose the concept of time because in that very moment time just freezes almost to the point of it being non-existent.

I’ve learned so many things in the last few years, I’ve learned so much in the past few months, and I’ve learned even more in the past week.

Sometimes your world has to be shaken to the ground and shattered for you to rebuild yourself and truly become the highest version of yourself. Sometimes you need to just feel all the shitty-ness and all the bad. 

Sometimes you just need to get away and leave everyone and everything. Sometimes you just need to run away and go sleep in a park. But running away from your emotions will never get you anywhere in life because you will not be able to start the process of YOUR metamorphosis. The process of learning to love yourself for who you truly are and for forgiving yourself and all those who hurt you. to get rid of the baggage you have carried with you all those years.

Embarking on this journey of self-discovery and self-love was the hardest thing I have had to do. It’s been a while now and some days I still feel down and others seem better than others but I know things get better and sometimes pain is necessary to move up. 

To leave behind those that offer nothing more to you anymore because their time and purpose were completed already. But letting go is so hard, it is so fucking hard and we choose to stay because we are familiar with it and we are comfortable and we feel safe.

We hold ourselves back for a simple “what if” what if I can’t find someone like them anymore. What if this or what if that. I’ve placed so many people before myself for so long that I felt like I was left drained, weak, and to die out in the sun (I know it sounds dramatic but I felt that way.) Not knowing that all that time I had the power to stop all of that pain by simply letting go.

I’m 24 now and I see the world so much differently. I don’t trust as easily anymore and I don’t consider the same people my friends anymore. Everything changes and that’s okay. I constantly find myself having to give myself reaffirmation about how change can be good and is not always bad. I have this constant fear that change is bad and that it will bring nothing good into my life and I realized that the reason I have been so stagnant in my life is that I haven’t given myself any room to grow and to spread my roots deep within the ground.

So, now I am starting to remove all these stones that are taking up all the space I need in order to grow. Some of those stones hurt to even think about or try to get rid of but nothing in life is easy and I’m kinda happy it isn’t because if it wasn’t I would never be able to feel this and understand what self is. I acknowledge now how important self-love and self-worth because if you don’t you will continue to attract the same things in your life that bring you nothing but sadness and I’m tired of the feeling of feeling like I’m not enough only because I attract people for the way I view myself ,and for that to change I have to learn to love myself with that 100% I gave to everyone else but the most important person which was myself.

This is my epiphany so far in 2021 and I thank whichever higher beings or the universe itself for allowing these obstacles in my life so that I could shake myself from all the bullshit that holds me back and makes way for my cocooning phase and ultimately when I emerge. I’ve been a caterpillar for far too long and now it’s time to form my wings.

If you read this and you can relate I’m happy. The point of this blog is to be as transparent about my emotions as possible. We are human beings and we feel things but since we don’t tell everyone our issues we believe we are the only ones going through these things and it brings me a little hope knowing I’m not the only one. To show you guys when I’ve been down in the gutter and how much I’ve progressed since then. There is always light at the end of the tunnel loves.

Sincerely,

From a caterpillar to a cocoon. 

,

From nothing to something

The journey of self-growth is a tedious one. It is a path of acceptance, forgiveness and love.

Acceptance of the things that did not go our way.

The strength to forgive ourselves for hurting others and for how they hurt us.

The love needed to see ourselves in the eyes we were intended to be seen.

For many years we struggle with seeing past a hill of obstacles, so we decide to stay at the bottom. We stay because we are comfortable, and that comfortability caresses us. It makes us feel as if that place in our lives is our home when in reality we are being cradled by our own misery. So much that the thought of change becomes the enemy and our minds and body begin to reject even the slightest idea of change or the smallest spec of hope.

We are then filled with this immense sense of frustration, confusion and sense of failure because we begin to set our gaze on other things. How the people around us are moving, what they have accomplished, where they are in their lives…

Instead of taking in the good we begin to compare ourselves and beat ourselves up for not being able to do anything remarkably as amazing as them. So, we decide to stay stagnant and continue to fail. Living in a repetitive cycle that slowly but surely starts to drive ourselves insane making us feel helpless.

So, we begin to pity ourselves. We victimize everything about our lives and begin to point fingers in every direction as if those situations were pointing a loaded pistol to our heads and forcing us to stay where we are.

It’s dark down there and its lonely despite all the people we surround ourselves with. As much as we express our emotions it’s never enough. So, the people who love us try to help us and despite how much they listen or talk to us they will never understand because they are not us and we are not them.

That’s okay! No one is the same therefore, we won’t all feel the same things. At times we get so caught up in our pit of misery that we begin to drag everyone and everything around us down to our trenches. Sucking the life, strength and love out of them causing them to retract and in some instances leave. It’s too much for them so we blame ourselves once again.

Constantly beating ourselves up for failures in our lives and again we stay. As still as a contaminated pond with absolutely no sign of life in it.

Then one day something happens… Perhaps at the right time or once we have hit rock bottom. At that moment we start to see things in a different perspective. We intend to control our thoughts and views a little more. We start to TRY.

Change doesn’t happen from one day to another… it takes time. It cannot be rushed. It is a process and some days we will feel like we cannot do it. Other days we will feel like we are on top of the world and these emotions will fluctuate. It doesn’t matter how much people tell you pretty things or try to make you understand the better things in life. It is just something that one must realize on their own.

As much as people would want to help you and try to change you. They can’t. It is not humanly possible. So, we must learn to do it ourselves. It’s hard and you’ll cry, breakdown, give up, try again, kick and scream.

Then one day you’ll begin to feel your mouth break into a smile and your heart will feel a little lighter and that small patch of dirt that’s left in your garden takes in the rays of that hope so a stem sprout’s.

Although surrounded by darkness that small bit of light begins to nourish your broken ground. All that is left, is for you to hold on to that and little by little that light becomes bigger and starts to reflect on more ground.

Life begins to grow again and what once seemed to be a lifeless garden begins to overwhelmingly sprout with an abundance of life.

Remember nothing ever really dies, it just rebuilds itself.

I hope that for all those who are still in the darkness can one day find that light. I have been there countless amount of times. I have hurt people who I love the most and even lost people that meant the world to me. As much as it has hurt, I’ve also gained a lot. I count my blessings and try to open myself for all the good things that come my way. Even when things get rough, I remind myself all the way I’ve come and all the sweat, tears and work I have put into getting to the point where I am today. Although I do not have every single thing I would like to have I am content and currently working hard to become better for myself more importantly, for my family, my friends and for the person who will come into my life to spend the rest of my life with.

I send you all my support and remember that there is always someone rooting for you that will never leave you and will be there to pick you up. That person is yourself.

With all the love in the World,

Bri – A girl who’s on her way out of the darkness.

Dearest Stranger.

Dear Stranger,

 

The moon has finally shifted and the stars have all aligned. The smooth breeze of the night has influenced change amongst our hearts and minds. There are days where I am paralyzed by dwelling on the thought of you and all the moments we shared. I can lay in bed and go through chapters of moments that can never be recreated with another being. It is on nights like this where all I can do is breath and receive the reality of what has come of us. Despite the abrupt changes my heart clings onto a thread of hope that perhaps one day your lion-hearted soul can encounter my wandering spirit once again.

Stanger, you once meant nothing to me but then you became the stars and the moon. The sun and the bright blue sky. You were just one more entity that filled a spot in the world, half a spec of mass, half a spec of time. You sat the furthest and for that reason you became visible to me. The sweetness and eagerness to do good in your eyes captivated me and the warmness the seeped from your heart entangled me. You became my home, you became my sanctuary, my safe place, my crutch, but I became selfish and leaned on you without considering all the other things you needed to be the foundation for.

My ideals and motivation slowly died because I allowed them to and I did not stand up for myself when I should have. Day by day I realize new things about you and about myself. I’m rediscovering the person who was in a deep slumber, and she is finally going through a reawakening. At the end of it all I am not angry, nor upset. I am understanding and I am learning. Time will heal all wounds and time will determine it all.

Stranger, it is with the deepest of gratuity that I thank you for it all. For all the laughs, smiles, tears that were shed, the butterflies, the pain, the concern, and most importantly the love.

I love you today, tomorrow and forever more. Time has always been non-existent with you around but now it’s pressed play once again. I carry a piece of you wherever I go as you of me. Here is to new beginnings, and new adventures.

 

 

 

Beloved ❤

My Beloved,

 

The concept of time does not exist when I am with you. The longer I am away from you the more infinite time seems. There are periods throughout my day where I will sit in the still of nothingness. I will listen to my thoughts ramble on and on about so many things. I can hear all my fears, frustrations, issues and problems but in a blink of a moment a thought of you surfaces and everything freezes. It’s as if a flowing river froze instantaneously, and once again time is nonexistent.

My mind has created such a clear image of you, that even when you are not there it’s as if you were. You are kept alive within me because in a way you have become part of me and I of you. We have formed a pact where not only our bodies have intertwined in an intimate dance but so have our mind, heart and souls. In the moments of my despair I long to have you by my side, not for an exchange of words or actions but for your love.

I imagine running my hand over your skin gently mapping out every inch of you. I no longer have peripheral vision as my gaze is directly fixed on you and nothing else matters in that moment. My favorite feature about you is your smile, there is nothing more contagious in this world other than it. You can change any given problem with the simple solution of your radiant smile.

I think back to the moment I first laid my eyes on you, I remember that day so clearly. I always wondered about you and felt an extreme attraction towards you. It was never a physical or mental attraction but instead a connection that I cannot find words to describe. It was as if our auras formed a magnetic field and all I could do was draw myself nearer. At the time, I had no idea of its purpose, but now it is all clear to me.

You see, you were never just a person to enter my life but instead you were the person who would change it forever. You were never just a person I liked but instead a person who I love(d). You were never just a person who I spoke to but the person who I would learn to trust. You were never just the person I would wait for but the person who became my home.

You’ve become a greater deal than both of us expected, and although we fight both our battles day by day, nothing is great enough to draw me away from you. Love is not everything in the world, love is not all about good feelings, butterflies and roses. Instead, true love is about leanring how to compromise, sacrifice, supporting one another, helping each other grow, motivating one another, trying to make things work especially if they are truly worth it and so much more. Love can bring so much frustration and heartache but it also brings companionship and bond that you will find with no one else. That is who you are to me, regardless of our differences and life styles. You are that spec of hope, love, trust, good, genuine, and all the things the world lacks at times.

Beloved, you have become an everyday part of my life, an everyday blessing sent from heaven above or the universe itself. Whatever the case may be there is nothing I want more than to have you by my side until life itself allows us to. Obstacles will always present themselves, but it is up to us to decide whether we are strong enough to overcome them or let them break us.

I once heard someone say that you only truly ever love one person. Even when they are no longer in the picture you continue to love them because the flame of genuine love never dies out. It may grow or evolve but just as parents upset us, screw us over or anger us at times we cannot help but to love them without any hesitation. It is a never ending love, a love without boundaries, a willing love. That is the kind of love I have for you.

I love you far more than words can describe and you truly mean the world to me. You are worth everything to me because in a world filled with billions of people there is only one you and I am so lucky to have you.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

May there be more to come, by your side until the end of time.

 

With all the love in the entire Milky way

Your one and only,

Stinky.

 

The Mid-night Chronicles: Reflection

Dear one,

 

You are at a very crucial moment in your life. Your bud is finally sprouting and your roots have buried themselves deep within the ground you have been raised on. I remember the first time I laid eyes on you. You took my breath away as your petite body just laid there. It was an instant in time that would last forever, a snap shot of joy descending upon my life.

I am aware of the difficulties you face and all the emotions you are being bombarded with at the moment. Things seem different and life is not the same as the one you used to know.

Reflection of mine I have been in your shoes before, i have walked the path you do now and although it is a tricky path you will find your way out of it and recognize who you will be in this world.

Reflection of mine, although i am not there with you guiding your every step I support you from the side lines as you run your race. I quietly and caringly watch over you without trying to influence your descions because those are all yours to make.

Reflection of mine, you never cease to amaze me with how talented you are. You fill my heart with pride and blissfulness just knowing that a younger form of myself has such a vast understanding of life.

Reflection of mine, you have always been the missing piece to our garden. You brought life back to a home that was slowly yet rapidly dying. You brought hope to the hopeless yet it has not been said enough.

Reflection of mine, you mean the world to me and although this rose has grown a million thorns that will never be enough for me to stop loving you.

Reflection of mine I never say it enough but I love you and I hope you never forget that.

 

Sincerely,

A healing rose

 

 

P.S. No one can ever take your place, I have not forgotten you nor stopped loving you. If anything i have learned to love you more than ever, I am just still learning to express that love. I am not perfect but that does not mean I can’t do better. I love you with all my heart Pajita.

 

 

Realities of our Youth: A lesson learned through heart break.

-The following story was barley edited or changed, it was submitted and published just as the writer wanted to, except for small changes in order to make this submission anonymous.

    I remember exactly where I was a year ago today. Not just geographically, but emotionally and mentally. I remember everything that had happened on that day. A letter wasn’t sent, it was retained. I held my voice back on that day because I thought it was meaningless. As if the grand roar of the sea and tidal waves of life just crushed and overwhelmed my small voice.

Dreams are pretty weird, I seriously don’t think I would be writing this were it not for the fantasy that unfolded during my sleep last night. I think it’s telling me something and I honestly hate it because I dislike believing in silly things like that. But fuck it lol.

I figured this would be a good time to reflect on who I was, everything I had been, and who I am today. One year later. In order to usher in that story, I would first have to talk about her and what she meant in my life.

Before her, I don’t think I had any true concept of what one word meant– EFFORT. Everything was simply, almost gracefully, given. Her kindness, her warmth, her smile, her laugh, her cheer. As I continue to grow older, I find that in this world, those few things I’ve listed are robbed of many people, due to their own life experiences. In a way you have to help them find those things again. You have to give it back to them, and that takes effort. An insane amount of effort.

Before her, I don’t think I had a single spark of unconditional love. Her care for someone is to this day one of the most genuine acts I’ve ever witnessed. As I continue to grow older, I realize many people won’t love you no matter how many times you fuck it up. Many people in this cold world are unfortunately bitter with their outwardly form of expression. So many people these days don’t treasure anything, and give up on something easily. I believe it ties into effort, but it is born out of unconditional love.

Before Her, I didn’t have an ounce of bravery. I mean damn, she basically sought out to get ME! Haha. Although she was very young, she handled so many things on your own. With the weight of the world on her back, she still ran. All of the experiences she went through when she was a child could have easily turned her into a fearful person. I mean, no one isn’t fearful at times, but I could always, always see the passion in her eyes to just reach out to other people. As I continue to grow older, I realize many people have lost their way and let fear control and ruin their lives. This one personally happened to me.

It’s a shame I’m already running out of time–but the point is, losing her was something that changed my life. After losing her, things only got more difficult. Many times, I thought I would not make it. I remember I didn’t agree that our relationship was just a “lesson” back then because it still meant the world to me. But now it is. Throughout this entire year, it’s as if I’ve had to learn how to become a survivor using my past experiences. How to handle things differently, not even in a bitter way, but a good way.

I suppose these truly ARE the things you learn in your youth. I think the things you learn in your youth shape you up to break those realities. Those experiences don’t serve to reinforce or establish the current realities of the world or society, but rather to challenge them. Truth be told, I could have easily written about my father, or my brother, both who have equally changed my life as well this past year, both through singular events. A lot of stuff has gone down, and I think we’re all different now in so many better ways.

I have met many faces and connected with many other lives, and I find myself using everything I’ve learned effortlessly. It’s beautiful to be honest. As I continue to grow older, I can see why certain things in life turn out the way they do. Some events are catalysts that throw you over the horizon. More importantly, everything teaches you how to make your own destiny.

I’m eternally thankful for the heart I have. I don’t feel afraid. As I write this I smile. Looking back to all of this past year, I’ve touched many lives and shared many laughs and tears of joy. I feel like she has helped me become what I’ve always wanted to be, remember? A hero. Anyway, I’m really out of time. Thank you. I’ll make sure this time, my voice is heard and that letter gets sent.

 

Realities of Our Youth: No Filter

I have been very hesitant to share this story with most of you, yet I have had a very strong urge to stop repressing this memory. Perhaps it is my subconscious mind telling me it is time to let go. I am sure that there will be people who will be able to relate. Perhaps this will make certain emotions resurface and for that I apologize in advance.

There is a certain something called a defense mechanism. Defense mechanisms are ways you psychologically reduce negative emotions by exerting that emotion on someone or something else. Many times we go through certain situations that mold us and shape us into who we are. For some it makes them less expressive, for others it makes them a little more expressive, and some just try to forget about it completely, which in my case is what I attempted to do. Repressing a memory can be over whelming, as you grow older you develop a different perspective and new ways to cope with certain things… Therefore, that is the reason I am writing about it, not for pity, not for sentiment, not for relations, but for freedom.

Recently, the emotions of worthlessness and unworthiness resurfaced. Two very disgusting emotions. Two very confusing emotions. The reason being so… I was sexually molested  when I was younger by different men.

It started at a very early age, the first time it happened was probably at the age of 6 or 7, and the final time at about the age of 11. These are memories I have had to dust right under the mat in order to function but eventually they have resurfaced just as any memory would. About a few months ago I was over the top emotional, I was seriously a wreck within my own room. Something I will never show to others, things that happen only within my four walls. I wrote a draft of this very entry but I held back on posting it because I was afraid of the outcome.

There is something about today that makes me feel different, more than just being tired of holding it back and not letting it out there is just a strong conviction within me that urges me to expose this non-filtered side of me.

The first time it ever happened was when I was living in Jersey City back in the early 2000’s. I remember I was attending PS 33, I loved school. It was my favorite place to be. One day my uncle came over my house with a friend. They had been drinking before and he stopped by to speak to my parents. At the time my parents were the superintendents of a building on Clinton. We lived in a spacious apartment in the basement. Imagine a long corridor, midway there is a door that leads to the boilers and past that is the resident laundromat. I was playing with a few friends from the building, I remember playing rocket ship as we climbed this really high folding table. In our heads we were far within the galaxy, exploring mars and making friends with Martians. Our trip was then interrupted when my uncles friend walked into the laundry mat. He asked what we were playing and we all responded simultaneously. He then suggested we played a different game. A game called family. He assigned each one of us a role. There was an uncle, two cousins, one son, one father and one mother. He made himself the father and he made me the mother. He tried to explain that there were certain actions mothers and fathers do. He made me kiss him, touch him and then he touched me. My parents never found out, they were about 75 feet away from me when this happened but they never found out and I did not want them too. At the time it was more because of the fear that was inflicted on me that day.

The second time it happened my parents had attended a party, it was your average Spanish party with the loud salsa music and people getting shit faced and cursing up a storm. It was already pretty late and my parents had told me to fall asleep. The host of the party put me in a room and shut off the lights so I could sleep. I remember being sleepy that night so falling asleep was not going to be a problem. A few minutes after someone walked in and closed the door silently. He then crawled into bed and laid down right next to me. I was completely aware of what was going on, I had not fallen asleep but I pretended to be. He got really close to me and put his hand in my pants. He slowly lowered my underwear and his and he placed his genitals on my behind. I was so scared, I had no idea what was going on. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak. I was completely frozen and so was time and everything else. He was in the room for about 20 minutes and then he finally left. That night I just kept repeating go to sleep over and over again.

The third time it happened I was taking care of my baby sister. My mom would have to work long hours in NYC. She would ask me to meet her in the city with my little sister every once and a while. I was really young and my little sister was about 3 years old. I would pack her diaper bag, and carry her stroller as well whenever we would need to get on the bus or the train. People would always look at me funny because I was little girl taking care of an even smaller child. We were on our way to meet up with my mom at her job and the train cart I had boarded wasn’t full at all. I pushed the brakes on my sisters’ stroller-thankfully she was asleep- and sat down. There was a man on the train that was sitting further down in that same cart. He got up and walked towards me then sat right next to me. He had this malicious look on his face, although I didn’t know what he was going to do I could feel something bad coming. I tried to move myself but he grabbed my thigh really hard and began to feel me. Once again I froze and I allowed yet another filthy hand to wander my body. There were few other times where I experienced molestation but these were the three that have been sewed into my memory.

Once I turned 15 I began to process all that had happened. I understood that I had been violated in ways no child should have. I grew angry, I bottled up so much emotions just for the mere fact that I was afraid of speaking. For some time, I hated myself for not doing anything and for letting these men torment me. I would wake up crying late at night thinking no man would ever love me because I was not pure anymore. I would fall into a state of depression that was consuming me from the inside out. I became very rebellious and disobedient. I was just filled with rage. No matter how much I tried to get out of the hole I was in, I couldn’t. I never told my parents because my mother experienced the same thing when she was younger. She once told me as she was crying that she prayed nothing like that would ever happen to my sister or me. From that day on I just decided to not say anything, I didn’t want to hurt her. The first person I ever told was my best friend Justine. I’ve never met another soul with an ear like hers. She just stood quiet and didn’t say a word but gave me hug. That’s all I ever wanted. I just wanted to be heard.

For years I have had a huge difficulty with communicating with others. It usually never ends well or I just never truly say what I have to say in order to avoid problems and disputes. When this happened to me I was always told by these men to never say a word to anyone. They would tell me to stay silent. They inflicted this fear into me of expressing myself verbally to people whether it had to do with the molestation or not. It has taken me years to be able to physically and mentally say that without doubting myself.  It has taken me so long to finally be able to let this go and to realize that despite the situations I ran across, it did not define who I truly am. All the negative emotions that these experiences inflicted did not determine who I was destined to be and have taught me to be strong and to know my place, but most importantly to speak up. To make sure my voice is heard.

I wanted to start off realities of our youth with a personal story, one that has tormented me but has taught me so much. Although life can play a dirty game, it does not take away the fact that it is the most beautiful thing when we surpass the storm and flourish into beautiful people. An ongoing metamorphosis in a forever revolving world.

I would also like to thank all those who participated and for those who will in the future. I will forever be here to serve and to make sure that your voice is heard as well. Thank you.

#Realitiesofouryouth

P.S– I am still accepting entries so please feel free to contact me.

Project: Realities of our Youth

Hello Readers,

I am starting a new social project called “Realities of our Youth”.

Throughout the lifespan of a human being, people experience things that can only be explained and felt by that specific person. Regardless of how much people sympathize you or try to understand you, it is emotionally impossible and incomprehensible unless they have gone through the same exact thing.

Words are such a powerful form of art, a never changing, forever green and innovating form of expression. This past year, I took a huge step when it came to publishing my writing, opening certain parts of my life to complete strangers. I have realized how much writing can move someone, I have heard it countless amounts of times by random people who have stumbled upon my work. It is a way we can all heal and learn from. Believe it or not, out of the 7.8 Billion people and counting around the world there is a small percentage of people who may be going through something very similar as you. The point of this project is for people to know they are not alone, a guide to those who are lost and stuck. A sense of hope to those who are hopeless. A chance to heal, a chance to let go, a chance to learn but most importantly a chance to have your voice be heard.

How does it Work?

I will ask you about an experience in your life that completely changed you as a person, an experience where you felt an emotion(s) that moved you.

It can be anything you want, there is no criteria. It can be something extremely personal or something that you may think is insignificant to others yet means everything to you. Your name will NOT be published, it will be completely anonymous. You are allowed to say everything you are comfortable with and have the right to say  skip certain questions you are not comfortable answering. I will provide my E-mail address to keep in contact and may even invite you out to get coffee if you are near the area. There are no fee’s for this project, it is completely free of charge. Helping people should never cost a penny nevertheless if it is something that can help out our community and unveil those who are consumed by the false mentality fed to us by society.

If you have any questions or are interested please contact me at:

Braelyn831@gmail.com

Thank you and I hope to hear from you soon.

#realitiesofouryouth

Suicide Note No. 2

20161026_230420She has put together a rope with all the words and phrases people have used against her. She has created an adhesive so strong with all the lies people have repeated to her. She has clogged her ears with the hypocrisy people have demonstrated to her. She has taught herself to not speak, she has taught herself to silence her mouth and mind and beauty because she has truly believed that it is an object of destruction.

Yet those who proclaim to love advise her and encourage her to speak when necessary only to bash on her and tell her that what she feels or thinks is irrelevant and absurd. Only to shut her down after being urged to speak. To break free. FAMILY after FAMILY, LOVER after LOVER. The same incident over and over. Never changing. So she is tired, she is fed up with the hypocrisy of those who claim to love her.

Her effort is considered nothing because regardless of the situation her effort is blown out of proportion. As much as she focuses on making other people happy and helping them solve their problems, that is wrong. Is it really? That is not human. That is a mistake, a sin for Christ’s sake. Her intentions are solely, purely and genuinely good.

Since when is asking are you okay a problem? Since when is asking how are you feeling an issue? Since when is asking what happened a mistake? Since when has truly caring become a sin. Those who “love” her do not see that. They cannot mentally comprehend the beauty she withholds. They are liars. Want to know why?

You cannot state to love someone without accepting who they are. That is why words slide off of her because people do not know how to use them. They have forgotten the meaning of each and every one of them. By God if she had a fortune she would buy ever single soul a dictionary just to bring back the power of words for those who have sadly forgotten their meanings.

People believe words are nothing but letters, a simple figure. They are wrong because words can bring life and words can take life away. People have pierced her, have wounded her with daggers of vocabulary. People have whipped her back with her past. From the outside she is impeccably beautiful but from the inside she is as sliced as Jesus once was. She is in love with souls who do not truly love her. She has so much compassion and grace she herself finds it ridiculous how she continues to love those who hurt her. Those people are simple minded because they cannot truly see and they do not truly feel the vibrations of the earth. They take life for granted just as they take her.

She has learned that people are selfish that because they are going through their own problems the moment they commit a mistake it does not count because their problems are far greater than the mistake they have committed. People become so proud that they cannot look her in the eyes and apologize because it is not important. God forbid she commits the same mistake and the world and one turns on her and pins her to the ground slowly suffocating her with guilt. That is wrong, that disgusts her but her love far greater than he anger because although she has a reason she chooses not to. She has been consumed by anger before. She has burned herself with hate but now that she is free from that she will never turn back to it; therefore, she loves unconditionally.

She is ready because as she ties that rope to the beam on the ceiling and writes this note she has been far gone. She has already been at the lowest point in her life. She has tasted death as he has brushed his fingers over her chapped lips. She is dead and those who falsely claim love her and they are dead to her.

Yet she lives because this suicide note is not for her but for all those who have thrown those words of destruction at her. She will live because she has finally learned how to move on, how to forgive, how to let go but those others have not and that is why they spread pessimism.

She is I and I am her. I will not settle for anyone who does not accept me. Who says I am irrational, dramatic, moody, crazy, foolish, and weak that my emotions are wrong. There is no right or wrong with emotions because emotions are solely what the soul feels. You have the right to feel and no one should tell you else wise.

I have left the comfort of someone who once loved me. Who drowned in his own tears for me. Who tried everything to fix something he himself had broken long ago. I set myself free. I was not influenced to leave something I once called home but I did it because I knew there was more. I knew a jewel like me deserved a keeper that would truly know how to care for the vast mysteries that lied within me.

I will settle for a person who knows how to humble themselves. Who knows when they are wrong, when they have failed. Who can accept it. That is truly what being human is.

I am not perfect nor will I ever be. People don’t see the complexities of my mind. They see but a pretty face with a nice smile but that’s about it. They don’t appreciate how the complications of my mind turn. How the gears have been assembled so perfectly inside of my skull. They don’t challenge me; they show no interest in dissecting my mind. So I grow tired I get bored because they are basic. So I stray, so I am cold, so you are dead to me and I to you because you allowed it. A man will reap what he sows and you have reaped death. You are no longer in my heart or mind or soul. They have perished and their remains have been swept away by the wind because they never left something significantly great inside of my mind.

I will always be me. I will always be awaiting the person who can challenge me and who loves the way my mind thinks and how my heart feels. Who can look me in the eye after hurting me and embracing me while they apologize because they can accept the fact that they themselves can be wrong too. Until then everyone else is temporary.

She has put together a rope with all the words and phrases people have used against her. She has created an adhesive so strong with all the lies people have repeated to her. She has clogged her ears with the hypocrisy people have demonstrated to her. She has taught herself to not speak, she has taught herself to silence her mouth and mind and beauty because she has truly believed that it is an object of destruction.

Yet those who proclaim to love advise her and encourage her to speak when necessary only to bash on her and tell her that what she feels or thinks is irrelevant and absurd. Only to shut her down after being urged to speak. To break free. FAMILY after FAMILY, LOVER after LOVER. The same incident over and over. Never changing. So she is tired, she is fed up with the hypocrisy of those who claim to love her.

Her effort is considered nothing because regardless of the situation her effort is blown out of proportion. As much as she focuses on making other people happy and helping them solve their problems, that is wrong. Is it really? That is not human. That is a mistake, a sin for Christ’s sake. Her intentions are solely, purely and genuinely good.

Since when is asking are you okay a problem? Since when is asking how are you feeling an issue? Since when is asking what happened a mistake? Since when has truly caring become a sin. Those who “love” her do not see that. They cannot mentally comprehend the beauty she withholds. They are liars. Want to know why?

You cannot state to love someone without accepting who they are. That is why words slide off of her because people do not know how to use them. They have forgotten the meaning of each and every one of them. By God if she had a fortune she would buy ever single soul a dictionary just to bring back the power of words for those who have sadly forgotten their meanings.

People believe words are nothing but letters, a simple figure. They are wrong because words can bring life and words can take life away. People have pierced her, have wounded her with daggers of vocabulary. People have whipped her back with her past. From the outside she is impeccably beautiful but from the inside she is as sliced as Jesus once was. She is in love with souls who do not truly love her. She has so much compassion and grace she herself finds it ridiculous how she continues to love those who hurt her. Those people are simple minded because they cannot truly see and they do not truly feel the vibrations of the earth. They take life for granted just as they take her.

She has learned that people are selfish that because they are going through their own problems the moment they commit a mistake it does not count because their problems are far greater than the mistake they have committed. People become so proud that they cannot look her in the eyes and apologize because it is not important. God forbid she commits the same mistake and the world and one turns on her and pins her to the ground slowly suffocating her with guilt. That is wrong, that disgusts her but her love far greater than he anger because although she has a reason she chooses not to. She has been consumed by anger before. She has burned herself with hate but now that she is free from that she will never turn back to it; therefore, she loves unconditionally.

She is ready because as she ties that rope to the beam on the ceiling and writes this note she has been far gone. She has already been at the lowest point in her life. She has tasted death as he has brushed his fingers over her chapped lips. She is dead and those who falsely claim love her and they are dead to her.

Yet she lives because this suicide note is not for her but for all those who have thrown those words of destruction at her. She will live because she has finally learned how to move on, how to forgive, how to let go but those others have not and that is why they spread pessimism.

She is I and I am her. I will not settle for anyone who does not accept me. Who says I am irrational, dramatic, moody, crazy, foolish, and weak that my emotions are wrong. There is no right or wrong with emotions because emotions are solely what the soul feels. You have the right to feel and no one should tell you else wise.

I have left the comfort of someone who once loved me. Who drowned in his own tears for me. Who tried everything to fix something he himself had broken long ago. I set myself free. I was not influenced to leave something I once called home but I did it because I knew there was more. I knew a jewel like me deserved a keeper that would truly know how to care for the vast mysteries that lied within me.

I will settle for a person who knows how to humble themselves. Who knows when they are wrong, when they have failed. Who can accept it. That is truly what being human is.

I am not perfect nor will I ever be. People don’t see the complexities of my mind. They see but a pretty face with a nice smile but that’s about it. They don’t appreciate how the complications of my mind turn. How the gears have been assembled so perfectly inside of my skull. They don’t challenge me; they show no interest in dissecting my mind. So I grow tired I get bored because they are basic. So I stray, so I am cold, so you are dead to me and I to you because you allowed it. A man will reap what he sows and you have reaped death. You are no longer in my heart or mind or soul. They have perished and their remains have been swept away by the wind because they never left something significantly great inside of my mind.

I will always be me. I will always be awaiting the person who can challenge me and who loves the way my mind thinks and how my heart feels. Who can look me in the eye after hurting me and embracing me while they apologize because they can accept the fact that they themselves can be wrong too. Until then everyone else is temporary.

Goodbye.